Thursday, March 05, 2009

A Crisis of Some Kind

Ennui (en-nui): A feeling of utter weariness and discontent resulting from satiety or lack of interest; boredom. Synonyms: listlessness, tedium, lassitude, languor.

I can’t seem to shake it so I figured I might as well blog about it. Maybe it’s the times we are currently living in. The sad state of the economy seems to have most people walking on egg shells or feeling like a dark cloud is looming over their head, a perpetual Schleprock state of existence. Yet, no matter how much I try and outrun the cloud I can’t seem to lose it.

In the past five months I’ve watched the majority of our executive management at work leave, including my own boss and another close friend. Then another friend was let go a month after that. I’ve stopped counting how many people we’ve lost to lay-offs or those who jumped ship before the lay-offs occurred. I refer to my area of the office now as The Dead Zone with the sudden quiet of empty offices and missing podmates. We used to call our pod of four, The Fun Zone. It’s not so much fun any more.

Added to all of this was the stress created by months of waiting to find out if you were on the list of those getting axed, or if you were safe. It was like a bad version of Survivor where you didn’t know if you were going to be voted off the island or not. Then when you discovered your name did not have a pink slip attached to it there was the inevitable dichotomy of feeling relieved and guilty, because it meant someone else took the fall, likely someone you would have preferred to keep around. All of this was topped off with the news wage freezes were in effect for the year, putting the kibosh on the slim hope that maybe all your hard work from the previous year might result in at least a minimal increase to help offset the 6% cost of living increase. But no.

Worst of all is that somehow this has begun to bleed into my writing. Not so much my output, or what lands on the page, but the optimism I feel about my work eventually hitting the store shelves. With rejection after rejection coming in from agent queries, it is beginning to feel as if my feet are stuck firmly in the sludge with no hope of escape. I find myself more days then not staring into the future and no longer seeing or feeling a light at the end of the tunnel.

Normally, I’m a glass half-full kind of girl. I’m pretty good at keeping my spirits up and just ploughing through tough times. I rarely let anything stand in my way and if it does I find a way around it, through it, over or under it. I'm Solutions Girl. It's like a super power without a cape to go with it. But lately I find I'm running out of ideas where the writing is concerned and the bleakness that thought creates only seems to compound the original ennui.

My hope is that it’s just a temporary glitch. I’ll get back to my old rarin’ to go self in no time. Maybe the onset of Spring will improve my state of mind. In the interim, I will just hang in and chant under my breath, ‘this too shall pass…this too shall pass…’ And hopefully I will be right. I have to be. The alternative is far too unpretty otherwise.

But it hasn't all been bad news. I am going for a little puppy visitation this Friday. I found out I am getting a girl, though the right name still escapes me. I'll be sure and take plenty of pixs while I'm down there and post a few next week. In the meanwhile, here is one from the litter:


Melissa Marsh said...

Oh wow. Just adorable.

I can completely relate with you on the feeling down thing. It's hard to shake. But you've got the right attitude: "this too, shall pass" and it will.

Maybe give yourself a writing break, too.

Julia Smith said...

Can't wait for your puppy pix, Kelly!

With everything's that's happened at work, it's no wonder you feel that way. And the writing hurdles that don't stop coming. I hope with all the hope in my heart that this will be a beautiful year for you.

Tess said...

Just LOVE that pic and can hardly wait till you bring your new little one home!

I know what you mean about ennui - I've been going through it over the last few months as well. That's why I was so thrilled when that story idea popped into my head last week. I think the depressing state of the world economy is affecting us all.

Glad your job is safe, but I can understand your mixed feelings and how difficult the changes in your workplace are.

Annette Gallant said...

I think it is a temporary glitch, Kelly, because you definitely are a glass half-full kind of gal.

But you've had a lot on your plate this year, combined with the longest winter we've had in a while, so it's perfectly understandable that you feel this way. However, spring is coming and your new puppy will soon be here, so I'm predicting you'll start feeling your old self soon.

And I know it sounds cliched, but it only takes one agent to say 'Yes!'. You'll connect with the right one -- I know you will! :-)

Anne MacFarlane said...

Sounds like you're suffering a little burn out right now. Maybe a mini vacation away from the grind might help your perspective.

And that little pup will soon brighten your days.

Patricia said...

The puppy is such a cutie!! This is Dixiebelle, I have a new writing blog as well as the old one. I hope you can hold onto your job. I know what you mean about things being depressing. Right now, my work is steady, I'm in healthcare. But you never know what is going to happen. I really feel like we are heading into a depression. At least, in writing, you can escape temporarily.