Has anyone seen my motivation?
Right now, determination is the only thing keeping my butt in the chair in the morning. Determination not to let these damn revisions get the best of me. Determination to slog through each page and get to the end by March 31st. Determination to win, conquer and defeat.
But I can't say I'm feeling motivated. I am not waking up in the morning, jumping out of bed and rushing downstairs to greet the manuscript with my usual vim and vigor. It seems lately I'm wearing more of a scowl and glare and muttering under my breath, 'Bah-ring it you @#$% piece of crap. You won't take me alive!'
Well okay, maybe that's just on the really bad mornings. But it's there. That steely-eyed 'you're not taking me down, I will defeat you' sense of purpose that is more combative than conducive to good writing.
I know a lot of it has to do with the timeline. I want this done. I need to get it out to Berkley. I can't procrastinate or walk away from it for a bit and come back when I'm feeling better. Well, I could, I suppose. No one will arrest me if I do. But the simple fact of the matter is, if I were published and I had a deadline, the option would not be there. I would have to produce and do it within the allotted timeframe the publisher set out. And so when I imposed my own deadline for this manuscript, I decided to treat it the same way.
I need to know I can do it. When the time comes, and it is a publisher's deadline staring me in the face the knowledge that I can do it will set my frame of mind. My outside commitments will not change, at least at first. I will still have a day job, I will still have constraints on my time that limit the amount of hours in a day I have to write. So I will need to know I can use my time wisely and get the work done as needed.
Does that motivate me? No. Does it make me determined? You bet.