Monday, June 25, 2007

Wrestling Victories

Designating my dearly departed Coop as my new muse seems to have worked. Much like she did in life, she has come through for me once again. The issues I struggled with in the last section of Brimstone have finally--finally!--worked themselves out.

I finished my scene caps and tonight I'll meet with my CP to go over them and ensure I haven't forgotten any loose threads, etc. I feel much better having conquered this and wrestled it to the ground. Plus it gave me something else to focus on other than my grief. Which may be a rather nasty case of avoidance and denial on my part, but I'm okay with that.

It's been a rough week, and I can't really say it's getting any easier. If anything, I think it will get harder before it gets better. The strange thing is that all last week I could look back and say, this time last week she was fine, perfectly fine. Everything was good. We were happy as clams. But after today, I can't say that. My week barometer is gone. Because after today, when I look back a week all I can say is, this time last week she was gone. It's like I'm getting further away from her, and that makes it more real. Up until this point there was a part of me, ridiculous as it seems, that thought, she'll be back. She's not really gone. Silly, I know, but like I said - avoidance, denial.

I know sooner or later the truth will settle in and I'll find a place to put it where I can live with it and not feel like someone is stabbing me through the chest with a blunt object. I know this. But until then, if I have to dodge and weave, avoid and deny, then hell, I'm going to do it. And while I'm dodging and weaving I'll go through the motions of life and new routines and eventually they'll begin to feel normal and then I probably will too.

Still, I think it sucks. Some big cosmic joke that our animals don't live as long as we do. I'm sure it's meant to teach us some sort of universal lesson, but for the life of me I can't figure out what that is.

But either way, regardless of fate's cosmic crap, I wrestled Act III into submission. I'll take my small victories.


Christine d'Abo said...

I'm happy to hear you finally had a break through with Brimstone. I'm looking forward to being able to read it.

I know this is a really hard time for you, Kelly. I hope things get better for you soon. HUGS!

julia said...

There's a whole bunch of little things that you go through that help you really internalize the loss. I only now wrote to one of my friends in Ontario about my dad. It's been 3 months and I couldn't bring myself to tell her. Almost like it kept a part of him vital and alive. But I enclosed his obituary and mailed it off on Friday, and I have to say I feel happy that I was able to do it.

Annie Mac said...

Glad to hear you're moving forward with your writing.

Hope it all gets easier.

Tess said...

Kelly - at least she's helping with your writing, but I'm so sorry to hear it's still so hard for you. Animals can be such a huge part of our lives and it's never easy coping with the loss. Big hugs.

Julie S said...

WTG on the conquering!

To me, it sounds like you're dealing with your grief in a very healthy and productive way. I really commend you.

annette said...

Congratulations on the breakthrough with D&B, Kelly.

It's a tough thing to go through, I know. Many hugs!