Wednesday, July 13, 2005

Things That Slip Away

I’ve noticed in the past year or so that some things I thought were once a necessity in my life, have slipped away. Little by little, bit by bit, until one day I looked up and realized they were no longer there. Or if they were still there, they were standing off in the distance, a blurred apparition, fuzzily outlined by the passage of time.

I know the cause of the fade away, and I take partial responsibility for it, but in some ways I realize that’s just a part of life. Things change, people grow, we move from one phase of our life to another and we don’t always pack everything up to take with us when we go. Maybe I’ll go back and get it later, it’s hard to say, but for now I’ve walked away. Not intentionally, but there you have it. I wandered off, lost in my own thoughts, and when I came back to earth I was in a different place.

When I made the decision to make writing a priority in my life, I never envisioned what this single-minded purpose would alter, how it would take over my life in little ways until it filled all the empty spaces and encroached on some of the others that were already filled up with other things.

Hobbies that used to occupy my free time are now things I look at and say, I really should get to that. But then I don’t, and the desire to make myself do it no longer pulls at me. Places I used to frequent are rarely seen anymore, and when I happen by now, they’ve been renovated, changed. Much like I have. Oddly the slippage of these things doesn’t seem to bother me. It’s more like a footnote in my history. All save for one.

Friendships that were once the life blood of my existence have turned to drive-by emails, promises to get together, failed attempts, promises to try again. I know, for the most part we will hook up again, and when we do it will be like no time has passed. My friends have been extremely supportive of my quest to make a career of my writing, and for that I am infinitely grateful. But some I feel have left a large void, as if in making the decision to move forward I have caused a breach that may never be refilled. It saddens me if this is true, and it surprises me more that I am not willing to slow down, or step back, or stop altogether to wait or fix or retrieve. Once I would have. Now I can’t. I’m not even sure they would want me to.

I don’t know what that says about me, about who I have become. Has my single-minded drive turned me into a selfish person, so wrapped up in my own need to chase a dream that I have lost touch with what’s around me? Or is this just another phase of life, and I need to follow my heart and trust that things will work out in the end? I’m not sure. I guess in this case time will tell. Some bonds, I think - I hope, are too strong to break, others perhaps were never really bonds at all, but just something we hung on to when we needed them, then let go when the time came to move on.

10 comments:

Lori said...

It happens. What kind of women would be though, if all of the things that were once important to us never changed? As long as you hold on tight to the things/people/activities that really matter and let the other drift off when the time comes...you're golden. Don't be surprised though when some of those things you thought were history....claw their way back in. ;)

Ps
I'm glad you got your mood icons back!

Melissa Marsh said...

It's difficult to maintain friendships over the course of our lives. Each person's life changes so much in so many ways that friendships we thought were strong no longer become so.

Nikki said...

I have a friend who I barely talk to -- we don't even email! But usually on birthdays we catch up and it's just like you said - no time has past -- even though it has.

But I know we'll be friends 'til the end .. sometimes you just know about people.

You and I, however, are hopefully splitting up soon ...

Kelly said...

In the infamous words of the happy bunny - you suck, and that's sad.

Christine said...

Everyone has a story like that Kel, it happens. We tend to get so busy with our own personal lives that something gets put aside. Sometimes down the road some things re-appear and seems like nothing had ever changed.

kacey said...

I think we all grow and change as we get older and new things interest us. Haven't you ever caught up with an "old friend" who when you see them again, they are just stuck back in their old life, even not a very happy old life?

Go for what makes you happy in life! You've only got one to live...

Michelle said...

I think there does have to be balance. Sometimes I get so caught up in my writing, I forget that it's important to read to my children, watch movies with my husband, and enjoy the little things. It doesn't make me less-focused, but I do find that I'm a better person when I achieve a balance.

Maxx said...

I just bang her on the head every now and again and remind her to look up once in awhile.

And if you were referring to me, which I'm not sure, but just in case... I might have been in a foul mood but I ain't going anywhere. Don't think you can get rid of me that easily honey. We lost each other once. That's never going to happen again.

Kelly said...

Then get your damn motor cart over on my side because this thing doesn't have any brakes and well...you've seen how I drive.

Maxx said...

Just because we might not be on the same path right now doesn't mean things are going to slip away.