This is Just Wrong

Dear Owner,

I'm sure you think this is just as cute as it gets, but as the one wearing this ridiculous costume, I want you to take a good look at my face. Do I look impressed? Do I look like the kind of guy who would want to be, as you put it, cute? Do you honestly believe I look forward to strangers coming up to me, talking in that ridiculous baby voice saying, oh there's a cute little puppy dog, look at the cute little puppy dog in the cute little bee costume!

Because I don't. What I want to do when I see these people is bite their face off. That's right. Nose, lips, eyeballs, the whole enchillada. You want to know why? Because dressing me up like this makes me angry. Angry enough to cull back through thousands of years of DNA and find my inner beast. Find it, unleash it and ensure that next Halloween I'm not dressed up like some stupid bee.

I mean seriously, a bee? You couldn't at least find something more...manly? For crying out loud lady why didn't you just throw a pink tutu on me and be done with it?! Do you have any idea the level of humiliation I will have to put up with the next time we go to the dog park? Do you think word won't get around?

Oh, and just to let you know, that wet substance you're going to find inside your favorite pair of Minola Blanicks...yeah, that wasn't a roof leak, honey. And that new clutch purse you paid a ridiculous amount of money for? Kinda chewy, but the next time you let me out, you might be able to retrieve the pieces from my nightly deposit.

And don't even get me started on where Fluffy the Cat is...

Yours truly,

Butch