Wednesday, August 17, 2005

Talking in Circles

It's like there's an elephant in the room and I'm ignoring it. I'm telling myself it isn't there when I know damn well it is. In fact I think it's stepped on my toes a few times or more. But I refuse to recognize it. I seem to think if I don't, then it will go away, and I figure it might as well because it's bound to come to naught either way. Why I hold out some silly hope this time will be different, I don't really know, but that's what we do, isn't it? We tell ourselves one thing, say it out loud for all to hear, while we secretly hope for another. We just don't acknowledge that hope. It's the elephant in the room, the one that keeps stomping on our feet trying to get our attention.

I read somewhere not too long ago that it isn't despair that kills you, it's hope. That made perfect sense to me at the time, still does. If you despair, well you're already about as far down as you can go and you grow accustomed to it in some fashion or another. Accept it as how things are. But if you hope, then you still have room to fall, still have the ability to be let down time and time again.

I know this, and I tell myself, this time I'm not going to hope. This time, I'm going to just ignore that damn elephant. And so I tell myself that's exactly what I'm doing. I've been here, I've done that, I'm not doing it again. I won't be tricked into believing this will change. Nope. Not me, not this time. But then the little voice starts to whisper. But what if... maybe...just maybe...

I hate that little voice. I'd like to get the elephant to sit on that little voice and squash it flat so I never had to hear it again. I've done everything I can think of to get rid of it. I've ignored it, I've tried to drink it away, I threatened to throw it out into traffic with myself attached (some would say my driving might achieve this for me but I think they exaggerate). Nothing shuts it up. Damn thing just keeps on yammering away as if it had some god given right to drive me mad by holding out that one last ounce of hope, dangling it in front of me like a carrot, then pulling the rug out from under me just as I make a grab for it.

Worst of all, as I lay prone on the floor in a world of pain, it has the actual audacity to whisper, maybe next time...maybe...

I wish, for once, it would just shut the hell up.

12 comments:

kacey said...

wow, I don't know what to say. Hope things are better for you soon!

Kelly said...

Thanks, Kacey. It's not so much things are bad, just this one thing that irritates me and then I have to vent.

Maxx said...

Feeling makes us human.

Without hope, there's nothing left

We feel pain so we can appreciate the good times.

Drink milk, it does a body good.

Never run with scissors.

Kelly said...

And don't throw scissors across the room in Home Ec just because your friend asks for them either. That gets you kicked out.

Kelly said...

By the way, remind me when the good times start again...?

Maxx said...

next weekend, five seconds after I walk through the door

Tess said...

I think we all feel this way from time to time. Part of the tortured artist thing *sigh*. Hope the elephant does his thing!

Melissa Marsh said...

Vent all you want, Kelly. It's very therapeutic. :-)

Michelle said...

Venting is healthy, don't worry. Hang in there!

Erin said...

Hey, if you feel the need to throw things, I've got some pictures that could be turned into great targets!

Nikki said...

Sounds like someone needs some nude photos of Nikki to cheer her up ...

Well, just let me send them anyway, okay? It will make me feel better at least ..

Kelly said...

I've already seen the nude photos. They're plastered all over the internet.