Last night I stayed up well past my 11 PM bedtime so I could watch a movie rental twice in a row, even though I have it for the whole week. Equilibrium, starring Christian Bale. A very intelligently written action movie that had a better story line and acting than a lot of dramas I’ve seen of late. It was an awesome cinematic display.
At this point, I would love to say that I make my movie choices based on such high-brow concepts as intricate plot lines, well written scripts, cinematography that takes my breath away, snappy dialogue, superb acting and/or directing. I really would. I’d feel far more sophisticated and worldly if I could make such claims. Sadly I cannot do this, at least not without telling a bold-faced lie.
Renting out Equilibrium had absolutely nothing to do with any of those factors. I only had a vague idea of what it was about. No, I made the Blockbuster clerk search through the aisles to find the DVD, then snatched it out of his hands for no other reason than because Christian Bale was in it.
It’s the Hot Guy Factor.
Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying the other things don’t factor in on some level, because God knows for the price of movies these days I still want the full meal deal--but I must admit, I’ll forego the full meal for one big, juicy burger if that’s all they’re offering up. Oh yes, all my lofty ideals get thrown straight out the window as I’m speeding to the nearest Cineplex to stand in line for a movie that no intelligent individual in their right mind would ever ‘fess up to seeing, let alone pay cold hard cash for. And why? Because there's a Hot Guy in it.
I can’t tell you the amount of horrific dialogue I had to sit through watching The Fast & Furious II just because Paul Walker makes me drool like a dental patient that took in too much Demerol. (By the way – please note, I said dental…not mental, although you may want to question the semantics of my word choice at this point). Ah yes, that movie produced such gems as (said in my best surfer dude voice) “Bro…” which was responded to with a “Cuz…”. And the ever memorable “It’s not an oasis; it’s a ho-asis!” Sigh…feel my shame. Unfortunately I had a witness to my disgrace that day. I dragged my sister with me, saying it was research because my hero in The Outlaw Bride bore a strong resemblance to Mr. Walker. My sister still razzes me hard about this one. Although she will, to this day, quote the lines from the movie, whilst laughing madly, as if she were actually entertained by the whole event.
Yes, it’s true. As much as I crave a good, solid, well written, acted and directed movie, nothing will get me to plunk down my hard earned deniro like a Hot Guy. In fact, I don’t even need to know what the movie is about. If one of the men off my Hot Guy list are in it, I’m there, slobbering in the ticket line, jonesing for my fix.
So there you have it. I choose my movies based on The Hot Guy Factor. There may well be a cure for such an affliction. But if there is, I don’t want to know about it, and I’m sure as hell not signing up for a treatment program. Give me my two hours of eye candy, or give me death!
My dirty little secret is out.