My back and ribs are really killing me this morning so I’m popping pain meds like pez candy and hoping no one at work notices the glazed over glassiness of my eyes. I doubt they will. I think I look that way at work more times than I’m actually aware. Either way, I didn’t really have much new to report on today so I thought I’d reminisce a little, wax nostalgic, think back at missed opportunity and wonder what might have been. Why not, I figure. I’ve already got the drugs in my system, so if it becomes painful I’ve got it covered.
There are few things in my life I regret. Not much I can point a finger at and say, ‘now that…that I would do different if I could go back.’ I’m not big on regrets, I think they’re a waste of time, and most often the mistakes I’ve made have been great learning experiences and made me who I am, and since I like who I am, it seems a bit hypocritical to regret what got me here.
But there is one thing, a moment I go back to time and time again in my mind and wonder – what if? What if my innate sense of shyness that I used to keep well hidden beneath a hearty layer of sarcasm hadn’t reared its ugly head at that particular moment? What if I had spoken up? What if I had asked the question, made the move, not cowered inside myself like some pansy-assed weakling who left her backbone at home?
Did you ever meet someone and without ever exchanging a word get the sense that you and this person were connected on some strange cosmic level? I have my own beliefs about this when it happens, has a lot to do with past life connections and all that stuff, I won’t bore you with the philosophy, but for me that’s what it’s like. As if you’ve passed through lives together and now, upon first meeting each other in this one, recognize each other instantly. It’s happened to me a lot in this life, but two times it was strong enough to nearly knock me off my feet. But the last time…the last time I still can’t shake the feeling I was suppose to do something about it. And I almost did, I took a few tentative steps, but then backed off, and the chance slipped away. The person disappeared from my life and I never got it back. I never got them back.
It’s been about five or six years now, and I still wonder where this person is, what happened to him, where life took him, is he happy? I wonder if he ever thinks back to what might have been. He had felt the connection as well, but for some reason I can’t fathom, what started never got finished, barely got off the ground before it disappeared into the ether, leaving me wondering what I should have done differently to hold on to it. If I could have that moment back, I would do it differently. I would speak up. I wouldn’t hide behind a shield of protectiveness afraid of getting hurt. That’s one thing I learned from that missed chance. If you think you can hide your feelings and not get hurt, you’re wrong. You hurt yourself in the hiding. I dropped the shield I’d been carrying not long after that. It had become too heavy and I couldn’t remember the point of it anymore.
I wished I’d come to that realization sooner. Because that is the one thing I would have done differently. I would have tossed that damn shield as far as my arms could have flung it and I would have said how I felt, what I wanted. I would have taken the chance and let the consequences be damned. Maybe it wouldn’t have been something that lasted forever; maybe it would have fizzled after a few weeks. Who knows? But maybe that’s the point. If I had taken the chance I would know. I wouldn’t be sitting here years after the fact haunted by a what if that refuses to go away.
So that’s the lesson of the day, kids. Don’t cower, don’t hold back and don’t worry about the consequences, because the consequences of doing nothing are generally just as bad and often more regrettable. Better to be in the game then sitting on the sidelines. Life is not a spectator sport. I’d throw off a few more pithy phrases like that, but the happy blue pills are kicking in and my brain is getting fuzzy, so I’ll leave it to you guys to glean what you can from this and take it as you’d like.